Style Cynics

14. Victoria Beckham

Finally, another example of a model who frequently dresses well. Wait, you say, this is a list of celebs who seriously need a stylist. If she usually looks good, then her stylist is doing a good job, right? Well, that depends on what you consider a good job. If you were a celebrity stylist, would you ever let your client go out looking like this: If this was for a show, that would be one thing. But this is her going out. This is also her wearing a trash bag, complete with twistie tie around the waist. ::Sigh:: Victoria, for someone who usually looks so good, you really outdid yourself here. Sure, she’d look good with a sack of potatoes on, but when you can do better, people expect it. To not fire her stylist after this would be an injustice to the world of fashion.

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22. Looks are everything

People were initially attracted to Britney because she was, well, attractive. Young and attractive, to be more accurate. So, if both of these aren’t true anymore, why would anyone pay any interest to her career? Last time I checked, 14-year-old girls and hormonal, adolescent boys don’t pay $100 a pop to see some pudgy, semi-attractive 20-something lip sync songs from 7 years ago.

21. She’s been upstaged

The debate began over ten years ago: who’s hotter, Britney or Christina? It was a legitimate question while they promoted their first albums, but it looked like Britney won out after their second respective offerings. She had men drooling over her catsuit, while Christina was slummin’ it.

Today, though, it’s not even a question. Christina turned her image around, released an album that blows Britney’s entire collection out of the water, and is enjoying wonderful success. She has certainly overshadowed her fellow Mouseketeer.

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What’s the hottest accessory in Hollywood today? A new set of chic earrings? No. A designer mink coat? Nope. A small dog? Sheesh, that was so 2004. No, the hottest accessory in Hollywood today is a child. It seems that everyone, whether they’re fit or not, is either helping create or popping out babies.

As illustrated in Mike Judge’s movie Idiocracy, it is common that the people who are breeding most frequently are the least fit to do so. All the while, people who are more intelligent and better fit for parenthood are foregoing procreation because they fear what the future holds for their children — not an illegitimate concern.

Some people simply should not breed, and that covers a large portion of the Hollywood elite. Here are eleven such people. If they haven’t bred, let’s get them a vasectomy or have their tubes tied. If they already have kids — let’s get them a vasectomy or have their tubes tied. And then get those kids some serious counseling.
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1. Miko Hughes

You may remember him as Joseph, the annoying kid in Kindergarten Cop. Not ringing a bell? He was also Gage in Pet Cemetary. Nothing? How about Aaron, the uber-annoying kid on Full House? Ah, gotcha there, right? So what has become of our obnoxious child celebrity? Not a whole ton, really, which is a shame; it really looked like he, and not the Olsen twins, would emerge as the star from Full House.

The Indications

Your role says so much about you. Though he hasn’t had much work lately, Miko’s last two roles have been in a film called Surf School and as a character named “Stoner Dude #1″ in the TV series Veronica Mars. Let’s add this up: he hasn’t had much work, and what work he does have portrays him as a surfing stoner.

The Possible Crime

Distribution. He’s probably out doing the same stuff Mary Kate and Ashley are, but he’s flying under the radar (and rightfully so). The money has to come from somewhere, and next to acting, slinging crack rock is the next most lucrative career (and I’m sure Biggie would agree).

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