11 Celebs Who Shouldn’t Have Any (More) Children

What’s the hottest accessory in Hollywood today? A new set of chic earrings? No. A designer mink coat? Nope. A small dog? Sheesh, that was so 2004. No, the hottest accessory in Hollywood today is a child. It seems that everyone, whether they’re fit or not, is either helping create or popping out babies.

As illustrated in Mike Judge’s movie Idiocracy, it is common that the people who are breeding most frequently are the least fit to do so. All the while, people who are more intelligent and better fit for parenthood are foregoing procreation because they fear what the future holds for their children — not an illegitimate concern.

Some people simply should not breed, and that covers a large portion of the Hollywood elite. Here are eleven such people. If they haven’t bred, let’s get them a vasectomy or have their tubes tied. If they already have kids — let’s get them a vasectomy or have their tubes tied. And then get those kids some serious counseling.

1. Kevin Federline

Really, is there a more appropriate No. 1? If you’re reading this, you surely know that K-Fed has procreated quite a few times: twice with former current former girlfriend Shar Jackson and twice, infamously, with Britney Spears. One can only pray that his offspring somehow turn out smarter and more talented than him. But, given his chosen mates, that doesn’t seem likely.

Since asking why he’s compelled to reproduce so rapidly is pointless (”Using a condom sucks, man.”), maybe we should be asking a more relevant and answerable question: Why is Federline considered a celebrity? His only claim to fame is marrying Britney, and that only happened because breaking up with Justin messed up her head beyond all recognition. His music career, if you can call it that, only happened because of the marriage, as well as his modeling gigs and WWE appearances.

Although this is a rail on Federline, it should also be noted that Ms. Spears isn’t exactly fit to be a parent herself. She’s just a tick above K-Fed’s level.

If it must be done, do it with: No one. Seriously. Federline represents exactly what is wrong with America. The damage is already done.

2. Tom Cruise

Everyone is entitled to his or her own opinion, even if it’s batshit insane. However, certain people who believe certain things might not be the in an optimal frame of mind to be raising children. Tom Cruise is one such example.

Yes, this refers to his unabashed promotion of Scientology, a religion (or cult, depending on your view of it) founded by science fiction writer L. Ron Hubbard. While practicing this faith shouldn’t preclude one from parenthood, Cruise’s actions pursuant to his beliefs make him seem unstable at best. He bemoans psychiatry, denies the existence of chemical imbalances, and believes that Narconon, Scientology’s drug rehabilitation program, is “statistically proven” to be the only successful drug rehabilitation program in the world. “Period.”

So he’s unstable, but given the above circumstances, there must be millions less fit to be parents than Cruise, right? Ah, but we have yet to discuss his calculating maneuvers over the past few years. It all started in early 2005, when he reportedly sought out Jessica Alba Jennifer Garner as a girlfriend. Since that didn’t work, he moved onto Holmes. Funny, then, how they “fell in love” so quickly.

What followed was the ruining of Holmes’s career, if not her life. Cruise impregnated the Dawson’s Creek star, and she delivered their baby on April 18, 2006. While it’s not a written-in-stone truth, Cruise obviously had/has an agenda here. With all of the rumors circulating of his (likely) homosexuality, he had to go out and disprove everyone. That’s a perfectly good reason to have a child, right?

Cruise is selfish, arrogant, and calculating. Is this the kind of guy you want driving your kid to soccer practice?

If it must be done, do it with: Anyone but Katie Holmes. Any child of Cruise needs an assertive mother to undo the mind damage he will inflict. Maybe Tina Fey?

3. Paris Hilton

No surprises with this one. If you made a list of every childless high-profile celebrity, Paris could very well rank as the least fit to raise a child — except, maybe, her ex-buddy Nicole Ritchie. But they’re the same person anyway, right? Isn’t that why they couldn’t get along? And now they’re back together for some more fame…but that’s neither here nor there.

Should Paris reproduce, she’d likely bear beautiful children — although she may not be as hot as people make her out to be, she’d certainly have the pick of the litter when choosing a mate. But looks aren’t the only trait to be passed along genetically. There’s that whole thing called intelligence, of which Paris has zero. For some quick evidence, let’s turn to some quotes from her deposition in the Zeta Graff lawsuit:

“I would never say stalking. I’m not a dude. Like, I think a girl can only stalk a guy. She can’t really stalk another girl.”

“Whatever I write in e-mail, it doesn’t mean anything. It is just words I write.”

“I meet so many people. I don’t even know some of my friends’ names.”

Bravo, Paris. A Mensa member you will not be bearing. However, there is that whole nature vs. nurture debate. But does that help Paris’s case in any regard? She’s an overly spoiled snob who hasn’t had a lick of responsibility in her entire life. Parents are supposed to pass down their accumulated experience and knowledge so that their kids will turn out right. By passing down those things, Paris would only ensure that her kid becomes an alcoholic drug addict by the age of 12.

If it must be done, do it with:You know what? Let’s say K-Fed. Any potential child will be so stupid and so untalented that he or she would be completely irrelevant.

4. Jessica Simpson

Sure, Jessica seems nice and loving enough to be a fit mother. However, she’s incredibly dumb. And yes, we can once again evoke nature vs. nurture here, though it doesn’t really help Jessica. A child raised properly could likely transcend his or her mother’s stupidity, especially if fathered by a competent gentleman (John Mayer could fall into that category even with the freakishly large head). However, Jessica’s stupidity is on the level of Paris Hilton’s. It may seem harsh, but when speaking of levels of intelligence, it’s reality. They both lack general intellect, book smarts, and common sense.

In fact, it’s the lack of common sense that truly makes Jessica unfit for parenthood. Even if she breeds with a much more intelligent male, things will go wrong. After all, she will be the one most intimately raising the child. How will that child be affected when poor he or she hears such things as:

“Platypus? I thought it was pronounced platymapus. Has it always been pronounced Platypus?”

“Is this chicken or is this fish? I know it’s tuna. But it says chicken. By the sea.”

The best case scenario for a Simpson child would be that he or she has talent and turns into a baby Jessica. Does the world really need another one of her? (Hell freakin’ no).

If it must be done, do it with: Stephen Hawking. Even then, the stupid may not balance out.

5. Dustin Diamond

Poor Screech. First his career tanked, then he faced foreclosure, and then someone leaked a video of him participating in some unsightly acts. Wait, what is that? Only the first of that series has any credibility? You mean…we could have been duped by the kid who was struck by lightning and who was nearly dissected by the US government? Oh, yeah, that’s his character; it’s exceedingly difficult to separate the two.

As it turns out, Dustin’s foreclosure story may be completely false — though it may be completely true; who knows? There are certainly holes to the story, and the fact that many people who bought his “I gave 15 dollars to help Screech” shirts ended up never receiving them does ring a bit of fraud.

And then there’s the sex tape. We’ve all heard the stories of who was involved and what acts were performed. And then we heard Dustin’s feeble attempt to spin it as an “accidental” release. His story — that the tapes are all part of a game where the participants get points for each act caught on camera — seems like a reach, but you never know with these crazy Hollywood folks. However, it does seem strange that it was released right after his failed attempt to re-enter the spotlight with his foreclosure story.

The funny part is that neither the alleged fraudulence of the foreclosure story nor the (likely intentionally) leaked sex tape makes him unfit to be a parent; it just makes for interesting column fodder. Rather, he’s unfit to be a parent because he has no marketable skills. His comedy is derivative, he has zero acting skills beyond being Screech, and he apparently can’t land a job that would help him pay off his debt and maybe live a normal life. How the hell would he support a kid?

If it must be done, do it with: No, no, no. Just tie his dick in a knot.

6. Dennis Rodman

In order to be a good parent, one must spend quality time with one’s children and instill in them a sense of morality. It’s sort of tough to do this when you’re constantly galavanting around to stroke your ego and having sex with over 2,000 women. No, “The Worm” isn’t fit to be a father at all.

The bad news is that he is the father of three children. The good news is that he doesn’t live in the same house with his wife Michelle, who he married in 2003 (though his first daughter was born to a different woman). His relationship with these children isn’t confirmed, but it’s probably best to have minimal contact.

Truthfully, it’s not his behavior in and of itself that makes him unfit for parenthood; for all we know, he might have great parenting skills (though that’s not very likely). Yeah, it’s tough to set a good example for your kids when you’ve had sex with over 2,000 women and are continually seeking attention. The real problem is that Rodman’s life is so public that his kids would eventually gain a different perspective of him. Yes, normally a child will defend alleged actions of his or her parent, but when said parent writes it all down and publishes it, it’s tough to spin that way.

If it must be done, do it with: Maria Sharapova. At least they’d have attractive, genetically superior babies.

7. Mike Tyson

There are unstable people, there are flat-out crazy people, and then there’s Mike Tyson. The much-maligned boxer actually has seven kids, which is seven more than he’s fit to have. Well, that’s seven children we know of; who knows how many little Iron Mikes are running around, beating up their friends and shouting “I want your heart, I wanna eat his children, praise be to Allah.”

Back in 2005, Mike made indications that maybe, just maybe he was ready to turn his life around. He told USA Today that his “life has been a waste,” that nothing good was going to come of him in the US, and that he wanted to become a missionary. Gee, and we all thought that the conversion to Islam was a publicity stunt, a la Muhammad Ali (but don’t tell him we said that).

So what did he do? Quit his final match right in the middle of the fight, and said that he was done with professional boxing. The perfect opportunity to fulfill his desire to be a missionary, right? Well, Mike would travel around spreading his message, but the message was in the form of boxing for money (hence, professional boxing) via the Mike Tyson World Tour.

And then, in December 2006, Tyson was arrested for suspicion of DUI and felony drug possession. Looks like Mike hasn’t rehabbed himself at all. Yep, he still sounds like the same groping, alleged wife beating $300 million losing Mike. Fear for his children.

If it must be done, do it with: No woman could mitigate the shame that is being a child of Mike Tyson.

8. Flavor Flav

He seems like a nice and loving guy, Then again, the same could be said for plenty of people, but that doesn’t mean you want them raising a kid. Throughout his reality TV reign, Flavor Flav has made it abundantly clear that he’s not fit to have children, yet he’s had seven. You have to wonder how they turned out — or will turn out, as he has procreated as recently as 2006. The strangest part: he also has two grandkids, both of whom are older than his most recent born.

So why should Flav have never bred? Well, for one, with children comes responsibility, and Flav has reportedly not paid child support. Next, he has a stated goal of having ten children; anyone with such a goal should be allowed to have zero. And then there’s the whole Strange Love controversy. Look, when you’re series is called “a modern day minstrel show,” and is further denounced by Chuck freakin’ D, you quit it. Of course, Flav did not.

Instead, he went on to create Flavor of Love, his version of The Bachelor, which, in the end, meant nothing. At least with The Bachelor, it was a different guy every time — different females, too. Flav, though, ran two seasons of the show, with Tiffany “New York” Pollard appearing and finishing second in both.

But hey, at least kids will have an accurate sense of time…we hope.

If it must be done, do it with: He’s done it enough, but since he’s going to do it again, might as well be Fergie. Oh, the ugly kids they’ll have.

9. Carrot Top

Yes, yes, the red-headed weird looking guy makes our list. Not too much is known about his personal life, so one may wonder why we chose him as a celebrity who should not breed. Let’s list the grievances:

Prop comedy is the least common denominator of stand-up. It’s hacky, and if it’s funny, it’s only funny once. He doesn’t even understand why people don’t like his prop comedy. Says him: “I don’t think it’s the props, because I sure haven’t invented prop comedy. I think it’s the fact that I do something different and that I actually have some success with it. That bothers a lot of people, especially comics. Comics don’t like to see other comics do well. It’s our nature: Human beings like success but they hate successful people.”

No, Carrot Top, people don’t like you because you’re not funny; plenty of comedians get along just fine, even when one is more successful than the other. To an extent, it is the props. More accurately, though, it’s because you have no talent and are most certainly not funny. End rant.

His father was a freakin’ rocket scientist, and this is what he turned out.

Lastly, he’s a ginger kid. No one likes ginger kids. Worst of all, ginger kids have the greatest chance of reproducing a ginger.

If it must be done, do it with: Michelle Kwan. Yep, no gingers coming from that couple. Oh lighten the hell up, it’s supposed to be funny people. Besides, like Michelle Kawn would ever touch his ginger ass (that gave me an image that I hope never enters my head again).

10. Michael Jackson

The King of Pop appears here, and for the obvious reason that he was accused of molesting little boys. Yes, he was acquitted in a court of law, but so was OJ. Really, does there need to be any further reason for someone to not breed?

One has to wonder about his current children, son Michael Joseph Jackson, daughter Paris Michael Katherine Jackson, and Prince Michael Joseph Jackson. First off, inserting Michael into every name? Brilliant! Second, he’s really got to learn the art of naming a child. Michael Joseph Jackson (the first one) is known as “Prince,” while Prince Michael Joseph Jackson is known as “Blanket.” None of this would make a passable novel.

Michael Jackson is the kind of celebrity you should keep in a hyperbaric chamber, to emerge only for concerts and songwriting. He’s totally unfit for society, and beyond unqualified for fatherhood.

If it must be done, do it with: Someone who will take the kids far, far away from him.

11. Tyra Banks

Don’t misunderstand: Tyra Banks would mother gorgeous children. Unfortunately, only a very select few can ride their looks, and those who can normally don’t contribute a whole lot to society. Tyra herself certainly falls into this category. Her daytime television show makes its viewers considerably dumber.

Why Tyra shouldn’t breed: she’s an egomaniac who is oversensitive to any disparaging remark. If you’ve ever watched her show (and please seek immediate counseling if you have), everything comes back to her. She must say “I,” “me,” or “my” more times per minute than even the most ego-driven media personalities.

And then there’s the oversensitivity. This supposedly stems back to her early years, when people would make fun of her for being thin and call her ugly. So it was no surprise that when she was photographically shown to have put on a few pounds in late 2006, she went on a media tour, stating her case anywhere that would let her. This included her own show, where she dressed in bikini from the photo in question.

If it must be done, do it with: Hopefully no one, but definitely not her ex-boyfriend, NBA star Chris Webber.


Note: As always, this is a parody and everything in it was completely made up. If you couldn’t figure that out you’re probably too busy running around chasing the 4 children you shouldn’t have.