Style Cynics

22. Looks are everything

People were initially attracted to Britney because she was, well, attractive. Young and attractive, to be more accurate. So, if both of these aren’t true anymore, why would anyone pay any interest to her career? Last time I checked, 14-year-old girls and hormonal, adolescent boys don’t pay $100 a pop to see some pudgy, semi-attractive 20-something lip sync songs from 7 years ago.

21. She’s been upstaged

The debate began over ten years ago: who’s hotter, Britney or Christina? It was a legitimate question while they promoted their first albums, but it looked like Britney won out after their second respective offerings. She had men drooling over her catsuit, while Christina was slummin’ it.

Today, though, it’s not even a question. Christina turned her image around, released an album that blows Britney’s entire collection out of the water, and is enjoying wonderful success. She has certainly overshadowed her fellow Mouseketeer.

20. Music has moved on

Plenty of artists make comebacks, so why can’t Britney? Simple. She adds nothing to the current musical landscape. There are plenty of artists who are more attractive and talented than Brit, so why would people waste their time?

19. No sympathy for the devil

Many artists make successful comebacks because their downfall was so tragic. Britney, though, did this all to herself. She married Federline, she popped out two kids, and she shaved her head. Can anyone really feel bad for Britney? And if we can’t feel bad for her, why would we care if she tries to come back?

18. Remember, she lip syncs

It’s one thing if a talented artist tries to right their career after years in the dumpster. Too bad Britney lacks the requisite talent to sustain a successful comeback. Her lip syncing ways won’t win her over any new fans, and the old ones have seen that act already. In other words, the novelty has worn off. Just play your old CDs — you’ll save the (expensive) price of admission and get the same product.

17. The ex is cleaning up

When a couple makes an unclean break, everyone around them is forced to choose sides. It’s not a cheery predicament, but the last thing you want is to hear shit from one side for associating with the other — it’s even more drama added to the worst of dramatic situations. When you and Justin Timberlake broke up — and wrote dueling songs about each other — America was forced to choose sides.

Sorry, Brit, but Justin is out there and doing well for himself. His musical career is through the roof, and he’s even acting (despite his girly high voice). Basically, he’s out there winning our hearts while you snort coke and shave your head. It’s an easy decision. We’ve chosen Justin.

16. Tainted image

She started off as the innocent-looking, yet devilishly sexy girl who attracted teenage girls just as well as she attracted 40-year-old men. Even when she became a bit more risque as a singer, she still maintained that innocent look off-stage. Now, she just looks like white trash.

But then the breakup with Justin happened, and she fell into the arms of Kevin Federline, a guy some love to hate, but who most of us just plain hate. Once you’re associated with that monkey, there’s no turning back. She’ll be forever associated with him, and that’s not going to help any comeback attempt.

15. Left us with a bad taste in our mouthes

It’s not like Britney’s music was brilliant or groundbreaking. It is what it is: catchy pop songs sung by someone we felt endeared to. It doesn’t make for a timeless artist, but it works in the realm of pop music.

Then came Toxic, which sounds like nails across a chalkboard. After that, she slipped off into dementia. It’s like they say in sports: you’re only as good as your last performance. And for Britney’s, she gets an F.

14. No one likes a star with poor fashion sense

Britney seems to be on a mission to redefine the term “bad fashion.” It’s not uncommon for a celebrity to try and create their own style, but rarely do they flop as badly as Britney.

Quick history lesson on the cowboy boot: it’s designed for convenience. The heel fits right into a stirrup, which is why they’re perfect if you’re working on a ranch. If you’re walking down city streets, however, they lose all utility. How many times have you seen someone trip because the heel got caught on something?

The rest of her outfits just looks like she played “eenie, meenie, miney, mo” with her mom’s wardrobe.

13. Perception is reality

The American public now perceives her as being a bad parent. So, by extension, she is a bad parent. Even if she’s great to those kids — even if they get all the love and care they deserve (which they surely don’t) — America has been swayed. She’s a bad parent who puts her kids’ lives in danger. Who wants to go see that? A few people, to be certain, but not the hordes that sustained her career through the 90s and early 00s.

12. Rehab does not rock your career

Sure, plenty of musicians have come back stronger than ever after a stint in rehab — Aerosmith and Metallica come directly to mind. But these artists usually are usually enjoying success at the time of their admittance to rehab. Britney, on the other hand, hasn’t enjoyed success since 2003.

Plus, it’s usually rock stars who come back from rehab to enjoy further success. Pop princesses need to maintain an image. Shaving your head and checking into and out of and back into rehab kinda contradicts that image, dontcha think?

11. No one’s focused on her music anymore

Since she and Timberlake split, America has been much more interested in Britney’s personal life than her music. It’s a natural evolution, since she’s not the most talented of stars, and she gets into enough personal trouble that it’s interesting.

Since the K-Fed wedding, there has been little talk of Britney’s musical career. It’s very tough to switch gears now, especially on the heels of her child birth, breakup, and rehab stint. It’s like being in reverse and then slamming the car into drive without stopping it fully first: you’re going to wreck the transmission.

10. People want to see you fail

There’s a German term: schadenfreude. It means taking pleasure in the suffering of others. When people follow celebrity gossip, many times it is for these reasons. Some people take pleasure in any kind of suffering from the brightest stars. With Britney, this is multiplied.

If people want to see her fail, how is she going to make a comeback?

9. That YouTube video is embedded on our websites, and in our minds

Who can forget the YouTube video of Britney (seemingly after smoking some pot) munching on wings, belching, and talking about how she missed out on life? Really, that’s the point in itself: no one will be able to forget that video. In it, she revealed herself as a regular 20-something, rather than a pop princess. Once she brought herself down to everyone else’s level, she stopped being something special.

8. Hiring and firing your publicist is, well, bad publicity

Of all the people hired by an artist, the publicist and manager may be the two most important. So if you’re going to fire and re-hire (and then fire again) these people, it’s really sending the wrong signal.

Britney fired her publicist, Leslie Sloan-Zelnick, last September, and recently re-hired her. She’s had a tumultuous relationship with now former manager Larry Rudolph, firing him, then re-hiring him to handle her divorce from Federline, and most recently firing him. She says he’s the cause of her losing public stature, but the hiring and firing of these assistants doesn’t help her cause, either.

7. Remember, she’s freakin’ crazy

It’s been basically implied throughout this piece, but yeah, Brit is just a little bit nuts. First it was dating Federline, then marrying him, then popping out two kids, and then the eventual divorce, head shaving and rehab stint. It’s a long list for Brit, but the bottom line is that she’s not right in the head. Who knows what else she’ll do to sabotage her own comeback attempt?

6. Is performing on stage like riding a bike?

The answer is that while it’s not really known, it’s probably not. When was the last time she actively danced? She’s doing small shows in California to get her stage legs back, but it’s going to take a little more than that for her to get back to where she was.

5. “Stripperific”

That’s the way many popular sites — TMZ.com, Salon.com, etc. — are describing Britney’s recent comeback attempt. Really, there’s no better way to describe it. It consists of a bunch of backup dancers in fuck me boots and short skirts prowling around the stage, with Brit taking front and center with her own white go go boots. Mmmm….stripperific.

4. K-Fed will get back at her

You know he’s sitting around and brooding. Everyone has a book out nowadays, and it would only make sense for Federline to release one that “reveals” Britney. It’s a perfect career ploy for him — he’s fading fast, and needs a boost. What better way than to tell a story that America is dying to hear? And, once again, this will keep America focused on Britney’s personal life, rather than her musical career.

3. Does she really want to make a comeback?

We all saw Brit’s actions after she and Timberlake split: she basically went nuts. Dated scumbags, got drunk and married in Vegas, and eventually married Federline. Now that she and Federline have split, she is due for another round of craziness. We already saw it with the rehab and head shaving. And now it’s a comeback attempt. If this is just another one of her crazy notions, it’s sure to fail.

2. Where’s the market?

Those 14- and 15-year-old girls that comprised the bulk of Britney’s initial market are graduating from college now. What percentage of them would still be interested in her? A fraction of what she had before. So the most important customers — the repeat customers — aren’t going to be providing like they used to. So now she’s left to tap new markets. Which, of course, will be the the current 14- and 15-year-olds.

But put yourself in the shoes of a 15-year-old girl. Or, for that matter, an adolescent boy. What would you think upon seeing Britney? Most likely: “Ewwwwwww.” And that’s not exactly the response of a budding market.

1. Just see for yourself

Do you think this indicates she’ll have a successful comeback?

Note: As always, this is a parody and everything in it was completely
made up. If you couldn’t figure that out you’re probably too busy
running around chasing the 4 children you shouldn’t have.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, August 29th, 2007 at 8:30 am and is filed under Celeb Bashing. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.