Style Cynics

1. Miko Hughes

You may remember him as Joseph, the annoying kid in Kindergarten Cop. Not ringing a bell? He was also Gage in Pet Cemetary. Nothing? How about Aaron, the uber-annoying kid on Full House? Ah, gotcha there, right? So what has become of our obnoxious child celebrity? Not a whole ton, really, which is a shame; it really looked like he, and not the Olsen twins, would emerge as the star from Full House.

The Indications

Your role says so much about you. Though he hasn’t had much work lately, Miko’s last two roles have been in a film called Surf School and as a character named “Stoner Dude #1″ in the TV series Veronica Mars. Let’s add this up: he hasn’t had much work, and what work he does have portrays him as a surfing stoner.

The Possible Crime

Distribution. He’s probably out doing the same stuff Mary Kate and Ashley are, but he’s flying under the radar (and rightfully so). The money has to come from somewhere, and next to acting, slinging crack rock is the next most lucrative career (and I’m sure Biggie would agree).

2. Scout Taylor-Compton

There’s nothing remarkable about Scout Taylor-Compton’s resume, except maybe her upcoming role in the remake of Halloween (seriously, do we need a remake of this horror classic?). Previously, she’s played bits here and there, landing small parts in the TV series Gilmore Girls and Charmed, as well as the requisite child actor appearance on That’s So Raven. Surprisingly, she has never been cast as the lead in any production of To Kill A Mockingbird. So what makes her likely to eventually spend time behind bars?

The Indications

The date was August 12, 2005 when then 16-year-old Scout disappeared from her Apple Valley, California home. The media, of course, jumped right into the story. And how couldn’t they? This was a textbook case of Missing White Woman Syndrome. It took police two weeks to find her — at a friend’s house, of course. She had died her hair black, and after interviewing with police, she was declared “a runaway who did not want to be found.” Such is a 16-year-old’s reaction to a spat with the parents.

The Possible Crime

Scout has prostitute written all over her. She’s attractive, but never attractive or charismatic enough for a big time producer to notice. She’ll likely continue along this path until she simply can’t take it anymore. As an adult, running away isn’t really an option, so prostitution will have to suffice. If you have a crush on Scout, be patient.

3. Rupert Alexander Grint

Much ado has been made about Harry Potter star Daniel Radcliffe’s upcoming role in the stage play Equus, particularly his nude scene. It would then make sense to include him on this list, right? Not when his sidekick, Ron — er, Rupert Grint — is still around. His resume leaves a bit to be desired, as it’s filled almost exclusively with Harry Potter. Lost among that sea of films is the gem Thunderpants, which IMDB can best describe:

“An 11-year-old boy’s amazing ability to break wind leads him first to fame and then to death row, before it helps him to fulfill his ambition of becoming an astronaut.”

Hi-freaking-larious.

The Indications

Always being known as the “other guy” from Harry Potter has to take a certain toll on the human psyche. Also, being called “Ron” when your name is “Rupert” might just drive someone mad. The signs are starting to appear in Rupert already. His Wikipedia page lists his favorite movie as Son of the Mask. Excuse me? Also, you may notice a peculiar name under the list of people he admires. Vanilla Ice? Way to choose your role models, Rupert.

The Possible Crime

Serial murderer, anyone? It may be a glum forecast for the child star, but his “other guy” status and his taste for the asinine may be a sign of things to come. Once the work stops rolling in, Rupert may finally make headlines.

4. Ryan Pinkston

While Ryan got his start on the hidden camera pilot Go Sick, his career began accelerating when he became a regular on MTV’s Punk’d, where he is best known for his mocking interviews of celebrities on the red carpet (”Do you want to hook up later maybe?” he asked Christina Aguilera). He went on to appear in kid actor staple Spy Kids 3D: Game Over, and is now filming College; the plot is pretty self explanatory.

The Indications

The first thing one may notice on his resume is that he’s appeared as himself considerably more than he has as an actor. Then, turning your attention to his home page, you might notice that his animated visage pops up frequently — a little too frequently. A peculiar passage appears in his bio: “My TV show PUNK’D for MTV was a huge hit.” His TV show? Further down: “I played the lead in MGM’s Soul Plane…” The lead? I think Ashton Kutcher and Kevin Hart would have something to say about those last two statements. Is this kid an egomaniac or what?

The Possible Crime

Vehicular homicide. He’ll be at a party one day, coked up and drinking heavily. Ready to leave, he’ll admit that he’s drunk, but that he can “handle his biz.” On his way home, “Girls, Girls, Girls” by Motley Crue will come on his radio. When he reaches down to switch the station, the car will swerve and he’ll run someone over. Possibly a prostitute…possibly Scout Taylor-Compton.

5. Sean and Jayden Federline

These kids were celebrities upon birth, and thanks to their prolific parents, that is sure to continue. True, they themselves haven’t done anything of note yet, but it’s only a matter of time before they do something of note. That’s what happens when you have an unstable, drug addicted mother who let a guy ruin her life and a father who took advantage of the broken pieces.

The Indications

Many children of celebrities go on to be celebrities in their own right; sometimes talent can be a genetic trait. It’s a shame, then, that K-Fed fucked any remnant of talent out of Britney. Their mother’s money will carry them through life, though, and they won’t have to work for a damn thing. If they’re anything like their father, they’ll mooch off their parents for as long as possible. But if they want to make some of their own money, they might be a bit screwed.

The Possible Crime

Running a brothel. Does there really need to be any justification for this? Doesn’t it sound like the fate to which these two are destined? A further prediction: their father will be such a frequent client that he’ll eventually end up a business partner. And their No. 1 call girl will be — nah, that’s too easy.

6. Spencer Breslin

Poor Spencer. His career was moving along just fine, and then his sister came along and hogged the whole spotlight. When he played a prominent role in The Santa Clause 2, she played a more prominent role in Signs. He played alongside Dakota Fanning in The Cat In the Hat, she blew critics away with Little Miss Sunshine. Even when he went for a return performance in The Santa Clause 3, she was right alongside him. It may sound like some sibling love, but…

The Indications

It’s obvious now that Abigail’s star is much brighter and projects much further into the future than Spencer’s. So there’s the jealousy factor. Then you have a tidbit that would drive any reasonable person mad: he’s worked on four movies with Tim Allen. Beyond that are his interests. Musically, he’s into The Grateful Dead, The Rolling Stones, The Beatles, Pink Floyd, and Phish. So, at age 14, we can safely assume that he’s already smoking the ganja. If the work stops coming in (and there is nothing listed on his resume), Spencer could quickly spiral into depression.

The Possible Crime

Another distribution charge. It may be pot, it may be coke, it may be heroin. It really depends on how far his career plummets. Sometimes, drugs are the only place a failed actor can turn. Yo, Spence, I need a dime.

7. Kara Irene and Shelby Ann Hoffman

At less than one year old, these celebrity twins were already on the set of General Hospital. Like the Olsens, hey were used in a rotation on the show. At age two, they were cast in Lemony Snicket’s A Series of Unfortunate Events. There isn’t much more on their resumes, but that will surely change shortly: they’re now five years old, and entering the height of child celebritydom.

The Indications

It’s too young to come up with any concrete indications that they’ll spend time in jail, other than that they have the potential to be the next Olsen twins. In fact, they look suspiciously similar to the Full House stars.

The Possible Crime

That really depends on the level of fame they achieve. If they die out quickly and don’t get any more work (which is unlikely), there’s no telling their fates. If they do stay in the spotlight, we could be looking at a number of things. The most likely scenario is that one will poison the other’s drink after stealing a role from the other. Or, because of their connection as twins, maybe they’ll end up poisoning each other’s drinks. But then they wouldn’t be serving time, so let’s stick with the former, eh?

8. Jake Thomas

Jake’s career started off pretty normally for a child actor; he landed a few bit parts on TV shows starting at the age of nine. Later that year, though, he appeared in Hefner: Unauthorized as a nine-year-old Hugh. This opened doors for the youngster, as he landed roles in popular movies The Cell, Artificial Intelligence: AI, and The Lizzy McGuire Movie. Things were really looking bright for good ol’ Jakey.

The Indications

Unfortunately, the roles didn’t keep coming. After finishing his stint on Lizzy McGuire (the show) in 2004, the only parts he got were bits on TV shows and B movies. He does have a role on The Disney Channel’s Cory In the House, a spinoff of it’s hit show That’s So Raven, but at 17 years old, he’s starting to get a bit old for roles on TDC. He also released a pop album, “Now and Then,” in 2006, in a seeming attempt to make some money; however, it was a steaming pile of shit.

The Possible Crime

Embezzlement. Jake’s star looks to be running on fumes, and it’s only a matter of time before he’s way too old for The Disney Channel. Money will run out, and yeah, he could turn to drugs and end up as a distributor. But there’s still time for him to lead a semi-normal life. However, one he realizes that the working life is considerably tougher than the acting life, he’ll look for the easy money. Sorry, Jake; not everyone is destined to have their name on the marquee.

9. Dakota Fanning

What child celebrity list would be complete without Dakota Fanning? She’s been in the spotlight since she was five years old, making appearance after appearance, and having little time for a childhood. She made her real breakthrough at the age of seven in I Am Sam, and has gone on to land dozens of roles since. Is anything left to really say about the child phenom?

The Indications

Yeah, what about the indications? She seems perfectly normal now, doesn’t she? But it’s easy to disguise her at this young age. Who knows what’s brooding in that head of hers? She actually seems not unlike another Little Girl Lost.

The Possible Crime

If she is anything like the celeb she reminds us of most, she’ll end up a coke addict in her teens and would already be a raging alcoholic. Hopefully, like Drew, she be able to eventually overcome her lack of a childhood and her largest crimes will be forcing us through years of fashion crimes on the red carpet while she “finds herself” by being with various, weird men. If not, she could easily end up being arrested for shoplifting to pay for her drug habit.


Note: This is a parody and everything in was completely made up. If you couldn’t figure that out you’re probably a drug crazed 80’s child actor or their lawyer so chill out mmmkay?

This entry was posted on Monday, April 23rd, 2007 at 5:37 am and is filed under Celeb Bashing. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.